So, 2014 hasn’t been a very good year of blogging for me. Bad A Thousand Dates.
I was going to write something heartfelt about why I’ve been so absent from these pages.
But then I figured what you think I’ve been up to is probably far more exciting than what I’ve actually been up to so let’s just go with your version of events and you can spare me my blushes.
I do want to recount, though, a story from my recent past. About a man with a thick neck. Let’s call him Gaston, like that guy from Beauty and the Beast (see below for those of you not schooled on Disney movies).
I was hoping he wasn’t like the Gaston after whom he’d been named by my flatmate, The Nurse. That Gaston is a bit of a prick to be honest. And thick neck aside, my Gaston seemed quite nice. Although he did want to chat on the phone a lot. Like, all the time. Like, I would text him and he would inevitably come back with “up for a chat?” We commend him for his communication skills but, you know, sometimes a gal just doesn’t want to talk on the phone. Gaston didn’t really understand that.
We had arranged to meet for a beer on a Sunday evening. But by 7pm, I hadn’t heard from him. A text had gone unanswered (and unread, thank you iPhone read receipts). I called him twice around 8pm but it went straight to voicemail.
I think we’ve all had a moment where we’ve genuinely thought at least one of the following when we’ve had no response to our communications:
– Maybe his phone is broken?
– iMessage is a piece of shit, isn’t it… I bet my text didn’t go through.
– It’s probably because he’s overseas and he didn’t take his phone.
– Or the call didn’t go through. Venezuelan telcos are terribly unreliable, you know.
– Maybe my phone is broken?
– Seriously, I hope he hasn’t had an accident. Maybe I should text to make sure he’s OK.
– I honestly believe he’s fallen off his motorbike and is dying in a ditch somewhere
– Should I call the emergency department?
During the following 24 hours, I confess to thinking at least five of these things. My friends all suspected the one factor: the stand-up factor. Fair enough, too. I would have thought the same had it not been, well, me in the situation. Still I clung to the feeling that maybe he had lost his phone the day before. He’d told me he was going canyoning so perhaps it had become dislodged from his person as he was traversing some rapids.
It turned out, for once, I was right. His phone had become waterlogged as he was traversing some rapids. What are the odds?!
I found out later that it might have been best if his phone had remained waterlogged. You know those people you just don’t click with? Gaston was that for me. And I suspect I was that for him. He evidently didn’t approve of ladies who enjoy their food. “Not watching what you eat, are you?,” he said upon hearing me order the burger when we met for our lunch date the following Friday.
It was a very Gaston thing to say and it proved to me that he’s not my Beast. New must not have: a thick neck. And a penchant for anorexia. You learn something from every date, eh?